Can't Go Back the Same Way You Came
by Wonder and Ashes
Summary: Buffy comes back from Heaven a changed woman – in more ways than one. Oneshot. AU set during the first half of season 6.


**Disclaimer** : All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 **Story Notes** : I apologize for my absence from fanfiction. I'll give a full explanation in the end notes, though all I'll say for now is this is a response to the Holiday challenge over on _Elysian Fields_ , and is also a response to a challenge set by **Tempestt**. I've always intended to do it, and the Holiday challenge gave me an excuse. This is also my first story written entirely from Spike's POV.

* * *

Back before I came to Sunnyhell I hid myself and Dru away when Christmas came around. We were like any other demons, but it was mostly to avoid the cherry little Christmas tunes that were always playing wherever we went.

And if I heard a caroller whenever I had to grab a snack? That caroller ended up _being_ the snack.

Things are different now, of course. The tunes are all the same and haven't improved over the last century (though some of the rock numbers are tolerable), and I hear a number of them as I walk through the town. I grit my teeth and ignore them as best I can, but it's not the knowledge that I literally can't do anything about them (thanks a lot, Captain Cardboard) that stops me from silencing the music.

Even if I didn't have the chip in my head, I wouldn't do it. Buffy and the Bit love Christmas, and I'll tolerate it all for them; all the Christmas cheer and the time for giving and sod all else.

Especially this year. Christmas is a time to be grateful, thankful, or whatever the bloody hell I'm supposed to be, because that's what I am. I may not agree with Red's methods, but I'm soddin' thankful that she brought Buffy back.

Even if she isn't entirely herself.

She's still Buffy. She'll never be anyone _but_ Buffy to me. But wherever she went when she died, it…changed her somehow. Red claims she was in Hell, the reason she brought her back in the first place, but I'm not so sure.

I stop when I reach the centre of town, stood in the same spot I had been two months ago when the literal Hell's Angels came to town and attempted to tear it to pieces.

 _I pull the bike to a halt and park it behind a building. "Wait here," I tell the Bit, despite part of me knowing that she won't listen, not even now when the town looks like Hell on Toast._

 _I hurry forwards and remain behind the crowd of demons gathered in the centre of town. Before them is the Buffy Bot, her arms chained and ready to be ripped apart. She looks both confused and vulnerable, and when she looks through the crowd and spots me her face lights up with hope._

 _I know we need to keep the thing around – it keeps the nasties away and stops the Bit from being taken from us – but I can never be in the same room with it for more than five bloody minutes. It hurts whenever I look at it. When it talks, when it walks, when it looks at me with that smile left over from its old programming… Part of me is glad to see it destroyed._

 _But the another part can only see Buffy dying all over again, and like always, that part wins out and I charge into battle without a plan (like always) and in no time at all my arse is handed to me (as is always the case in Sunnyhell) – which wouldn't be so bad if the Nibblet didn't stupidly try to jump in and save me._

 _What's worse than seeing the love of your life die in front of you while you're powerless to save her? Breaking your last promise to her._

 _The Bit screams and I tried to get to her, but they're too many of them and I'm not strong enough to break free and they're starting to hurt her and nononononon…_

 _Suddenly there's a flash of light and the demons holding her burst into nothing. Moments later the ones holding me meet the same fate, and I feel the light around me singing my hair like it wants to burn me up but something is preventing it. The demons surrounding us vanish into nothing, and with them all gone I turn to see who our saviour is._

 _It's Buffy._

 _Not the Bot._

 _ **Buffy**_ _._

 _The Bot is laying in pieces by her feet._

 _I have to be hallucinating. I've gotta be. I saw her die. This isn't real. I must've died and gone to some demon Heaven. It can't be real, because she's surrounded by the same light that destroyed the demons and holy fucking Christ are those wings?!_

 _I blink. The light is gone and so are the wings._

" _Buffy?" The Bit is the first to speak up. She takes a step forward cautiously, and I get ready to jump in and defend her in case this isn't Buffy; in case it's a cruel trick being played on us._

 _Buffy stares at us for a moment. It's not a blank stare; it's filled with emotion. For a moment she looks frustrated, then confused as her eyes dart between us, then relieved, and then she smiles. And now I know it's her. No Bot – no demon or illusion – could even begin to imitate that smile._

" _Dawnie."_

 _If my heart could restart, hearing her voice after so long (the Bot's voice doesn't count, and it never will) would've done it._

 _The Bit runs to her and envelopes her in a hug. I approach slower, still cautious, because while I know she's my Buffy I also know that my Buffy only tolerates me at most, and I don't know if she'll want to see me. She might even stake me. I wouldn't blame her; she's back and ready to look after the Bit. I'm no longer needed._

 _She looks up and our eyes meet. I'm suddenly afraid that she'll destroy me like she destroyed those other demons. Her head tilts a little, like she's considering me – but what she's considering about me is another matter entirely – and then she lays a hand on my shoulder and smiles again. She's never smiled at me directly in such a way, and it warms my heart more than words ever could._

 _But that's not the only warmth I feel. Buffy herself feels warm. It's nothing new, what with being alive and all, but this is a different kind of warmth. I can't really explain it._

 _And my demon's reaction is something I can't explain, either. During the last year of her life it was drawn to her like a moth drawn to a candle flame. At first it was driven by lust, but as time went on that lust grew into love, real and genuine no matter what Buffy or any of her friends believed._

 _But the way it feels now is different. It feels like it's trying to claw its way out of me, reaching for the light it senses within her. And there is light within her; not the kind that's usually in a Slayer, but…something else entirely._

 _The hand on my shoulder moves to cup my cheek. "Thank you, Spike," she says. As if she needs to say it._

I close my eyes, letting the memory wash over me before I sigh and continue on my way. Finding the Scoobies back at the house afterwards had revealed the truth; they'd done a spell. More specifically, Red had, but the others had taken part and known about it, and hadn't even told me.

I know why they didn't – if Buffy didn't come back right and there was still and bit of her left, I wouldn't have let them kill her. But it still hurts that they didn't say anything, after all I'd done for them.

I shouldn't be surprised. I don't matter to Red or the Whelp, and I never did. I was just the hired muscle. They made that very clear when they barely acknowledged me after Buffy's return, not even bothering to thank me for saving their lives too many times to count.

Buffy still talks to me, though. That's surprising. She hasn't told me what happened that night – she made the Bit and I promise never to mention it until she's ready to talk about it – but apart from that one thing, she's been open. She's honest with me, but more importantly, she's honest with herself. She's confident and mature; gone is the perky Sol-Cal girl I met a few years ago who was too worried about what others thought about her, and she's been replaced with a woman who knows who and what she is and is fine with that. She's not ashamed, nor should she be.

Maybe I should be worried that she's changed too much, or that she's no longer the same Buffy who jumped to her death. She even turned down telling the Great Poof she's alive, for Christ's sake. She believed he was her soulmate – a load of bloody rubbish, but that's just my opinion – and he's the core reason why she'll never love me. If she accepts that I could love, then by default she'd have to accept that he never loved her, at least not truly.

But he was also unhealthy for her, and I'm glad she's realized that.

" _Not even a phone call?" I suggest._

 _She shakes her head. "I thought you'd be happy about this?"_

" _I am," I tell her. "But your happiness comes first."_

 _For a moment there's a small look of awe in her eyes, but it fades and she sighs. "He was a first love," she says. "It was messy. I didn't fully understand what I felt for him, and in the end, it was just an overblown crush that got way out of control. I didn't have anything to compare it to, so I thought it was love. But he and I can't work. I know that now."_

I tried not to let myself hope for what her words could mean.

The most important thing is she's grown up. She's no longer a girl hiding from the harshness and the shades of grey of the world; instead she's facing it head on and accepting it for what it is.

The moment she realized that the money was gone she went right out and got a job working in an office. Boring, but as she told me: "It pays bills." She still smiles and she laughs with her friends, but when the Whelp messed up during an investigation into diamond-stealing demons (it was just a trio of nerds, in the end) I saw her exasperated sigh. And then when Red's spell to clean up the house resulted in the basement getting flooded she didn't just forgive and forget like she had done so many times before; she held Red responsible for her actions and told her to clean up after herself without magic.

She made it clear to Red and Glinda that if they wanted to live in her house then they needed to pay her, which Glinda was fine with but Red kicked up a temper tantrum and tried to give her the kicked puppy look, but my newly confident Slayer wouldn't back down, and in the end Glinda had to convince her bird that it was best to move back into the college dorms. Before she died Buffy used to let her friends walk all over her, but now she doesn't even let the Watcher push her around.

She doesn't keep her feelings and true thoughts hidden. When the Whelp tried to set her up on a date with some wanker from his work she made it clear that she couldn't have a normal relationship with the average joe, and that pretending this isn't true was what led to her relationship with Captain Cardboard falling apart.

Her connection to her friends was something I firmly believed was the reason she lived for as long as she did. But having watched her with them since she came back, the connection to them just isn't there anymore. Whenever I watch her with the original two it feels more like I'm watching a high school reunion between friends who've drifted apart and no longer rely on each other. At least, that's what it feels like from Buffy's point of view; the Whelp and Red keep on trying to get the old Slayer back, but I know now that's a lost cause.

She gets along better with Glinda and Demon Girl. Glinda is on the same level of maturity as Buffy is now – I also get the feeling that Glinda knows what happened to Buffy; that Buffy told her without telling the rest of us – and while Demon Girl isn't exactly mature the two are closer than they ever were before.

The relationship with her Watcher has changed, too; they still have that father/daughter relationship, but there's a sense of maturity about it which wasn't there before. Instead of talking to each other like an adult to a child and vice versa, they talk to each other like two adults would. The Watcher appears to like the change.

Wherever Buffy was before Red brought her back…it wasn't Hell. A place like that wouldn't change her like this. Instead it feels like she's been living a whole other life somewhere else, growing up and maturing all on her own without any of us around.

She's partly confirmed this.

" _Could you do something with Dawn today?" Buffy asks as she grabs her coat and bag, ready for work. "I'm trying to spend as much time as I can with her so she doesn't feel left out, but with this new job…"_

" _I'll stay here with her," I assure her. It's Saturday, and while Demon Girl and the Watcher are working, the Whelp isn't. Red and Glinda don't have classes. But I don't ask why she's not asking any of her friends;_ _things have been tense since Buffy practically forced Red to move out._

" _Thanks." She rummages through her bag to double check that she has everything._

 _Seeing her like this – normal and alive – gives me the courage to say what I've been meaning to tell her ever since she came back. I take a deep breath. "I just want you to know that I did save you. Not when it mattered, but every night after that. I dreamed. I'd come up with more ways I could've done it; how I could've been faster, more cleverer. Every night I saved you."_

 _When I finally meet her eyes she's watching me with a smile on her face. I even catch a tear in the corner of her eye but she quickly wipes it away. "I never asked before, but…how long was I gone?"_

" _147 days," I say immediately. That number will be engraved into my brain for the rest of my unlife. "Would've been 148 on the day you came back, but…guess that day doesn't count, does it?" Wondering why she wants to know, I ask, "How long was it for you? Where you were?"_

 _She looks away, and I realize that she actually looks…upset. "Longer."_

 _A thought suddenly occurs to me: Did she like it where she was?_

And yet she still hasn't told me where she was, but for that matter she hasn't told anyone else other than Glinda – and the Bit, who she told after the close call on Halloween. She used that light trick again on the vampires we fought.

I knew the burst of light was real on the first night. How else would Buffy be able to take out an entire army of demons by herself? But it still surprised me seeing it again, and it makes me wonder if what else I saw – the light that had surrounded her and yeah, even the bloody wings – had been real and not a side effect of seeing her alive again.

But I don't push her to tell me. She'll explain everything when the time is right; when she _feels_ like she's ready. I'm not frustrated – but I know the Whelp and Red are. The more I see them interact the more Buffy is annoyed by them, and the more Red and the Whelp try to push her to be like the old Buffy they used to know.

It reached a breaking point when the Whelp summoned that singing demon.

 _I'm right behind Buffy when we enter the Bronze. The ugly-looking demon is on the stage, wearing a grin which somehow makes him look even uglier, and by his feet is the Bit, wearing a new dress and a talisman around her neck._

" _Buffy!" she calls out._

" _Let my sister go," the Slayer demands._

 _But the demon won't let her go, not unless the Slayer sings him a song. I've noticed that Buffy is the only one who hasn't sung yet; like the spell doesn't affect her somehow._

 _Is it some other power she gained from…wherever she was before? I started to sing earlier when she came to me for help, but then she touched me and the urge went away as fast as it came. I only wish she had done that before I started singing at all, but then again she did say that she thought my voice was sexy…_

 _I notice the Slayer opening her mouth, and I wait to hear her sing._

 _What comes out isn't what I expect._

 _It's like the choirs I heard at all those churches I used to break into with Angelus in order to massacre the occupants. The poetic term 'A Voice of a Thousand Choirs' comes to mind (and bloody hell, I know I'm gonna write that poem now no matter how badly I don't want to) and it's the bloody last thing I expected to come out of the Slayer's mouth._

 _The grin is wiped off the demon's face and he hurries to cover his ears, but it's too late. A ball of light explodes from his chest and he bursts into nothing, taking his Thunderbirds minions right along with him._

 _The rest of the Scoobie Snacks arrive just as Buffy and I hurry over to the Bit. "Is he gone?" asks Demon Girl._

" _He's gone," says Buffy. She rubs the Bit's shoulder. "Are you alright?"_

 _She nods. "Buffy, I swear I didn't summon him. He thinks I did because I'm wearing his funky necklace, but I only found it. I didn't do anything!"_

" _Then who…" Buffy leaves the question hanging when she sees the Whelp raise his hand, looking sheepish. "You."_

" _I swear it never said anything about creepy demon kings or people burning up," he protests. "I thought, singing, dancing; how bad could that be? I wanted us all to have a happy ending."_

 _Quick as a fiddle Buffy's face fills with rage. She snatches the talisman from the Bit and throws it at her former friend, and since she always has terrific aim, it hits bull's-eye. "You idiot! You stupid, fucking idiot! How many times do we have to do this before you finally stop acting like a complete moron?!"_

 _The Whelp just looks shocked and hurt. "Buffy, I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. I didn't realize this was gonna happen."_

" _No, you didn't use your fucking brain like you should have done and assumed everything would be hunky-dory." Yeah, she really looks pissed now. It's glorious. "After all we've been through, you should know better than this! This fight against evil isn't a game! And now because of your actions people are_ _ **dead**_ _. DEAD, Xander. And it's all your fault."_

" _But he didn't mean to…" Red tries, clearly not getting a clue._

" _It doesn't matter," the Slayer tells them. "Actions have consequences, and it's about time you both learned that. You're both the same; you mess up, expect me to clean up_ _ **your**_ _mess, and then beg for forgiveness without even considering what your actions caused. What about when_ _ **I**_ _messed up? Did you forgive me so easily?" Both of them are silent. "And hey, Xander, next time own up to your mistake_ _ **before**_ _we get this far. People were singing and dancing; you must've known it was a result of your spell."_

" _I just wanted us to be happy!" he protests. "You've been different ever since you came back. You've changed. And I don't like it."_

 _Buffy doesn't look sympathetic in the slightest. "Well, I'm sorry if you don't like the fact that I've grown up. I'm paying bills and taking care of my younger sister. I had to grow up – and I think the two of you should, as well. You're acting like children, doing anything you can in order to get your own way. You don't understand the consequences of your actions because you never suffer them. I always have to. I let you guys walk all over me before, but no more. You do something wrong, you clean up the mess yourself. I'm done with you two. Unless you grow up and learn to live in the real world, I don't want to see either of you for a while."_

Though I think the last straw came with Red's memory loss spell.

 _Buffy storms into the Magic Box and I have to jog in order to keep up with her. I know she's angry and she has every right to be, but the last thing I expect her to do is slap Red clean across the face._

 _She doesn't use her Slayer strength, but there's a nasty red mark left behind._

 _Red looks ready to cry while the Whelp runs to her side. "Willow!" He turns to Buffy. "What the hell was that for?! Is there something wrong with you?!"_

 _Buffy shakes her head. "No. There's nothing wrong with me. I. Am. Done. Just…done with this. You're never gonna learn, are you, Willow?"_

" _I wanted to help," says Red, beginning to sob. "I just wanted us all to be happy."_

 _The Slayer lets out a short laugh. "It's funny how you and Xander have the same definition of 'happy'. Let me guess: Is it like the good old days, when it was just the three of us against the world? We're not in high school anymore. Grow the fuck up. And magic isn't going to solve anything, or make us happy – it just makes things worse."_

" _I agree with Buffy," says Glinda, stepping forwards. "Magic should never be used to fix problems like this."_

" _You say there's something wrong with me, Willow Rosenberg, but really, I think there's something wrong with_ _ **you**_ _," says Buffy. "You think you can use magic to "fix" whatever you think is broken, when it usually isn't. You use it to avoid your problems. That's something a child does. An adult talks about their problems and faces them head on. But you think you can just click your fingers and the problem will magically go away. This is the real world; it doesn't work like that."_

 _Red glares at her, and I get ready to leap in the way in case she tries anything. "You're just jealous because I'm more powerful than you."_

 _Buffy doesn't even look fazed. "I'm not jealous. I'll never be jealous of you, Willow. You have power, but it's how you use it that's the problem. You can't just go around doing whatever you want – trying to enforce you will upon everyone around you – and expect things to all work out in the end."_

 _The witch's eyes begin to darken. "You're not my best friend. You're not the Buffy I knew. You came back wrong."_

" _I'm sorry if I can't live up to your so-called standards," says Buffy without apology. "And frankly, I don't care. I'm finally living my life how I want to live it – and you're just gonna have to live with that."_

 _Magic visibly begins to swirl around Red. The Whelp takes a step back, looking shocked, and both Glinda and the Watcher look ready to jump in and stop her. But they don't have to, because Buffy moves lightning fast and presses a finger to the witch's forehead. The magic disappears and Red falls to her knees._

" _No! What…what did you do?! I can't…"_

" _Access your magic?" Buffy takes a step back. "That's because I bound it. Unless you learn how to use it wisely, you won't be able to use it at all."_

 _The Watcher looks between them both. "Buffy, how on earth did you do that?"_

" _I've been teaching her some things," Glinda speaks up, coming to the Slayer's defence. She must not be ready to reveal whatever it is she's keeping from us._

 _Buffy nods. "The Slayer power within me has magic capabilities. Tara's been helping me tap into it."_

" _There have been theories that the Slayer could potentially perform great feats of magic if she lives long enough," says the Watcher. "But a Slayer has never lived long enough in order to prove that theory true."_

" _I know you were planning to go, Giles, but I need you here," says Buffy. "If not for me, then at least for them." She gestures to Red and the Whelp. "I may no longer need you, but they do. They need guidance."_

 _The Watcher nods. "I believe that you are right."_

Things have been better since then. Glinda moved out of the dorms and back in with Buffy and the Bit, breaking things off with Red until she learns her lesson. She's starting to, and the Watcher is helping her, but it'll be a good long while yet before she's allowed her magic back.

The Whelp is making progress as well, but again, it'll take time for him to grow up. He and Demon Girl have broken off their engagement, but it's for the best; he admitted that he's not ready for the commitment of marriage and that he only asked her because he thought one of them would die. His bird was pissed, but she understood on some level. When it happened I thought for a moment that she'd go back to being a Vengeance Demon, but I think the Slayer talked her out of it.

I take a short cut through the cemetery when I realize that I might be late. Without meaning to my feet lead me to the one spot I visited too many times during the 147 days when she was gone: her grave site.

Where her grave had once been, but no longer is.

I don't mean that in a sense that she's no longer buried there. I mean that there's no trace of her grave even _being_ there at all.

The night she got back, when I finally left the house to go back to my crypt, I went to investigate – only to find nothing there. No disturbed grave, no headstone; nothing. It was like no one had been buried there at all. At first I thought it was Red's handiwork, but she denied it. And added to Buffy's new powers and new maturity…

There's something more to her resurrection. I wanna know what, but only when she's ready to tell me.

I dig my hand into my left pocket and feel for Buffy's present resting there. My gifts to the others have already been given – a kitten each for the Bit and Glinda, some herbs for Red, a gift card for Demon Girl, tools for the Whelp and some British beer for the Watcher – when I stopped by earlier, but I wanted to save this one for last. It's special. I want to give it to Buffy when she and I are alone, which is a guarantee later in the evening.

I turn and make my way to Buffy's house. It takes another ten minutes, but when I reach it I catch a whiff of a scent that sends my hopes crashing down around me.

 _He's_ here. I suppose Buffy finally decided to tell him that she's alive.

I hear yelling from inside; not a happy reunion, then. I don't wanna miss this. I walk up the path and let myself in. It always warms my unbeating heart when I use the key Buffy gave me; it always reminds me that she trusts me with the standing invitation into her home.

Just as I enter I hear Buffy yelling, "You dumped me, Angel. Like, over two years ago. You don't have a right to my life anymore."

"I do!" Must've only just arrived, I wager. Or they've been bouncing the same argument back and forwards for the past hour. With Peaches involved, it wouldn't surprise me.

"You never did," I hear the Whelp speak up. So there's finally something he and I have in common: mutual hatred for the Great Poof.

I walk through the entrance to the living room and find the whole gang gathered around. Buffy and the Poof are stood in the centre of the room; Buffy's glaring at her ex-honey while the Great Git himself is trying but failing to win her over with his impression of a kicked puppy.

But the Slayer's grown. If Red's big puppy eyes didn't work on her, then the Poof's certainly won't.

Having heard me enter, Peaches turns and glares at me. "Spike. You're not welcome here."

Behind him Buffy rolls her eyes. "My house, Angel. He's welcome." Peaches goes to say something but she silences him with a raised finger. "And if you say thinking that means I came back wrong, I'll send you back to LA in an ashtray."

"How did you even know Buffy came back, anyway?" the Bit demands. She looks just as happy to see the Wanker as her sister does. Good on her.

"Cordy had a vision last week," the Git explains. "I didn't understand what it meant, so I investigated and we discovered the truth. Not just that you're alive – but where you were and what happened to you."

"Which Buffy has yet to enlighten us of," says the Watcher, turning his attention to Buffy, as does everyone else. The only ones who aren't questioning are Glinda and the Bit.

"There's no need for explanations," says Red. I can tell that she's curious about Buffy's answer, but she's trying to assure herself of what she claims to know, which doesn't surprise me. "She was in Hell. I pulled her out."

"No." Buffy shakes her head. "Willow, you didn't even check, did you? You didn't check to see where I was. You just assumed I was in Hell, and that was enough for you. This is why you need help."

"Where were you, then?" asks the Whelp.

Buffy takes in a deep breath and lets it out again. "Heaven."

…I knew it.

Without even knowing I knew it.

The light, the maturity, the powers, the wings… It all makes sense.

The Whelp's jaw drops, the Watcher takes off his glasses and cleans them, and Red's eyes grow wide. "I…I…"

"Don't bother feeling guilty, Willow," says Buffy. "You didn't pull me out. Your spell failed when that funky-looking pot of yours smashed during the biker attack."

The Watcher puts his glasses back on thoughtfully. "Then if Willow did not pull you out, who did?"

"No one did, Giles," says Buffy. "I chose to come back. Granted the Powers didn't give me that much in the way of choice, but I still chose to. I had a reason to…" She trails off and shakes her head. "I realized that you guys needed my help when I saw the bikers attacking you. I was still reluctant to come back; I was happy where I was. I was finished. But the Powers found out about all the bad stuff to come, and we all decided that the world needed me. Even then it took some convincing from Mom."

"You saw Mom?" The Bit looks like she's on the verge of tears. I move towards her in case she breaks down crying like she did so many times during the dark days when Buffy was gone.

Buffy nods. "And Tara's mother. I saw Slayers there, too; Xin Rong, Nikki Wood…" She turns to face me. "They don't hate you, you know. They're just honoured that they died in battle, like a Slayer should. Others weren't so lucky."

"You wanna tell them what happens to Slayers there?" says the Great Poof.

"OK, how do you even _know_ that?" She turns to him with a look that's both questioning and threatening.

He doesn't back down. He's either fearless or stupid – and my money's on the latter. "I have connections."

Buffy just rolls her eyes and turns to Red. "Willow, what's the Biblical term for 'Demon'?"

"A Fallen Angel," Red replies, brows knotted together in confusion.

The Slayer then turns to her Watcher. "Giles, what is the Slayer's essence made of?"

"It comes from a vampire," the Watcher replies. "In other words, the demon that the vampire is made…from…" His eyes grow wide when he connects the dots.

I figure it out, too. A Demon is a Fallen Angel. There's a Demon in the Slayer. She went to Heaven when she died, which means…

"You're an Angel," I say, breathless.

She nods. "When I reached Heaven they…changed me. Once I was changed I could see everything; I learned and understood so much. Some things took a while; time passes differently in Heaven, and it felt like I was there longer than 147 days." She turns to her Watcher. "You and I said that if a Slayer lives long enough they can potentially tap into their hidden magic capabilities. It's true. I was there long enough to learn how to use it."

"Why didn't you tell us about this?" asks the Whelp.

"I was going to," Buffy replies. "Tomorrow. I told Tara the first night back; she read my aura and saw the change. I told Dawn after that incident on Halloween. And I was planning on telling Spike tonight."

"Why him tonight and us tomorrow?" asks Demon Girl.

Buffy bites her lip. "I thought it would make it easier for you guys to accept what happens next."

The Poof's eyes widen. "You're choosing _him?!_ Are you out of your _mind?!_ "

"Choosing Spike for what?" asks the Whelp.

I look at Buffy. "Think I'd like to know that, too."

She sighs. "I was hoping to have this conversation with Spike in private – he was going to be the first to know – but I guess that isn't happening now." She sighs again. "When a Slayer is changed into an Angel, they're given the ability to do the same to another demon within reason; make them into an Angel, too."

Her eyes meet mine and I understand. She wants to make me like her; a sodding _Angel_. If I was still who I used to be, I'd be offended. But I'm not. She thinks I'm worthy to become like her; she doesn't hate me, nor think I'm beneath her. She only has the power to choose one, and it's _me_ , not her poofter of an ex-honey.

"Buffy, you're making a mistake." Have the Poofter's words always been this predictable?

"No, the only mistake I made was loving you." Buffy turns back to him. "But I'm over you now. What I felt for you wasn't love; it was a childish ideal of love. For a long time I held onto it, not knowing any other way to love. But then I died, and I felt what love was supposed to feel like. I came to realize that I didn't truly love you – and that you felt the same way. You don't really love me; just an ideal of who you think I am. If your love was true, then you'd be able to love me without your soul, but you can't. Spike _can_."

The Great Git's eyes narrow. "Spike doesn't love you."

"Err, _yeah_ , I do," I speak up. "And don't you even try to make the argument that I can't. I loved Dru for over a century while she was nothing more than a fuck toy to you."

"You still don't deserve this, Spike," the bugger growls. "Buffy's gift is precious. It should go to someone who deserves it."

Buffy's eyebrows lift. "Alright, Angel. Give me one good reason why you think it's you – and if you say it's because your name is 'Angel', I'll punch you through the ceiling."

"It's destiny," he tells her. What a poof. "Our destinies are joined, Buffy. They always have been."

The Slayer stares at him. And then she laughs. "Destiny?! What part of our relationship was the highlight, Angel? When you lost your soul or when I killed you? Did everything I just say go in one ear and out the other? We're not 'destined'. We met, we lusted and fantasised, we got caught up in our feelings and it ended in disaster. It happens to everyone. That doesn't make us destined; if we were, wouldn't it make more sense if we we're able to stay together?"

The Poofter frowns. "But the Powers sent me to you."

"To give you the redemption kick," Buffy tells him. "That's all. You were supposed to help me for a few years before striking out on your own. Falling in love, if that even _was_ love, wasn't part of the plan, and it messed things up. According to them, you almost messed me up for good – and looking back on what I was like after it happened, I have to agree with them."

He shakes his head. "Even if that's true, I deserve this more than Spike-"

"No, you don't!" She rolls her eyes. "When I said 'within reason' I meant that we can't change any old demon. The demon has to want it. The demon has to have the desire to change; to redeem and become a better person. Spike has that want. I've seen it, even if he doesn't always like to show it."

I go to deny it, but I can't. She's right. I wanna do right by not just her, but for the Bit, for Glinda – and for myself. I wanna be something more than just a monster.

 _I know you'll never love me. I know I'm just a monster. But you treat me like a man._

"What do you think I'm doing _now?!_ "

"That's your _soul_!" Buffy gives the Poof a slap upside the head. "Your _human_ soul. You demon doesn't want it; it's probably trying to convince you to tear my throat out! Ask yourself this, Angel, and be honest with your own answer: would you want to redeem if you didn't have your soul?"

The Git can't reply. He just looks away, defeated.

"Can we not test that theory?" the Bit speaks up. "I heard that Angelus used to nail kittens to walls, and I don't want anything happening to Mr. Sprinkle Toes."

Mr. Sprinkle Toes? She named the kitten I gave her Mr. soddin _Sprinkle Toes_? Couldn't she have gone for something more badass, like Tiger or Lion or Big Bad?

Shouldn't be thinking about that now. I shake my head a little and return to the conversation. I can pester the Bit about changing the name later, when I'm not bathing in the sensation of one of my favourite dreams becoming a reality: Buffy choosing me over the Great Poof.

"I still think you're making a mistake," says the Git. Not surprised to see that the self-proclaimed hero is refusing to have an open mind on the matter, nor that he's trying to make Buffy second-guess herself. I hated that he did that even back in the days when I hated the Slayer's guts.

But this new Buffy's having none of that. She doesn't give two sods what the Poof thinks about her, and she should be proud. "Fortunately for me, Angel, I don't care what you think. I can't believe I ever did. Now kindly get the hell out of my house before I send you back to Cordelia under the new name 'Mr. P. O. Ash'." After a moment she adds, "And in case your mind is working slow, 'P' stands for 'Pile' and 'O' stands for 'Of'."

I'm enjoying the look on the Git's face _far_ too much.

* * *

Everyone eventually leaves. The Watcher is the first to go, then Demon Girl and the Whelp, and then Red. The Bit and Glinda head up to bed, leaving Buffy and I alone.

I'm not sure what's gonna happen next – what needs to be done, how Buffy's gonna turn me into what she is – but I'm surprised when she leads me out the door and into the night. Patrol then. Not that it's needed. Christmas is always slow when it comes to demon activity.

Still, we find two fledges, which Buffy kills in no time at all by shooting beams of light into their hearts. If she did that with every vamp she came across patrols would be nothing more than midnight strolls. But of course she won't do that with every single one; she loves the fight as much as I do.

We reach my crypt and step inside. We've been silent the whole way over, and finally I decide to speak. "Why're we here?"

"I don't wanna disturb Tara and Dawn," says Buffy. "Things might get loud." She takes off her jacket, throws it onto the couch like this is her home as well – which it always will be – before turning back to me again. "Is there anything you wanna say or ask or do before we get down to business?"

She's treating the whole thing like it's another bloody day in the office for her, but she's always treated her life like that the more I think about it. "What was the decidin' factor? That convinced you to come back?" Probably whatever her mum said to her. Or the fact that she'd see the Bit again.

Buffy looks straight at me. "Don't you know?" After a moment of silence she shakes her head with a small laugh. "Of course you don't. You know, Spike, for all that swagger and confidence as the Big Bad, you can really be insecure."

I blink. "What?"

" _You're_ the reason I came back, stupid." She sends me an affectionate smile. "Mom told me about that power; that I change a demon of my choosing. After everything I'd learnt up there, I knew there was only one demon I'd choose."

I hold my unneeded breath as she crosses the crypt and slowly weaves her arms around my neck. She's close enough to kiss, but I don't dare. "Why choose me?" I ask. "After everything I've done…"

"One lesson I learned up there is that forgiveness is a blessing – but it should always be earned," she tells me. "You've earned it. I forgive you."

My head tilts slightly. "So you're makin' me an Angel 'cause you forgive me?"

Buffy shakes her head. "No. I'm making you an Angel because I love you."

…

…What?

…Did she just…?

"…You…"

She laughs. "You make an adorable deer in the headlights."

Fuck, she really said… "You just…you said…what…how…when…why…?" Why am I not snogging the living daylights out of her right now?

She laughs again. "Let's just say I met someone who knows you; who showed me another side of you that I really liked. And I realized that side of you is still in there, deep down." Her hand lays itself over my heart.

I frown. "Who'd you meet?"

"I met a lot of moms up there," she tells me. "Not just mine and Tara's." Her eyes meet mine and she sends me a meaningful look.

I connect the dots. Christ, she met… "Mum." But that can't be possible. I killed her. I _turned_ her. I made her into a monster. She can't be in Heaven. It's impossible. "No, that's not right. She…"

"She left her body when you turned her and went straight to Heaven," Buffy explains. "A demon replaced her. It happens to people who are too weak to fight back. The woman you spoke to after it happened wasn't your mother, Spike. She would never have been so cruel to you."

My hands seek her out and I grip her tightly. "I killed her…"

"She was dying already," says Buffy. "You were trying to help her, and she forgives you."

Doesn't matter. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself after what I did to her. I screw my eyes shut to stop the tears, but one escapes and rolls down my cheek. Buffy catches it with a kiss.

I feel the burn, but I like it. "Don't deserve this…"

"You do." I feel her finger stroke the tear stain. "She also mentioned that you might have something for me."

My eyes open and I remember why I was going to Buffy's in the first place. I take a step back and reach into my pocket, pulling out the small box that's held the same item for over a hundred years.

"It belonged to her," I explain. "She gave it to me not long before I was turned, sayin' I should give it to the woman I loved. Planned to give it to Cecily once upon a time. Tried givin' it to Dru, but she rejected it. And now it's yours."

She takes the box from me and opens it, revealing a golden ring with the words 'You are my Eternal Angel' engraved into it in silver.

"Fitting," she says with a smile.

"That's irony." I gently pull it out of the box, and when she holds out her hand – her wedding finger, and fuck, this is really happening – I slip it on slowly. I see tears forming in her eyes. Ones of joy, I hope. "Merry Christmas."

"To you too, Spike." Her smile turns mischievous. "Now it's time for my gift to you."

"Changin' me?"

Her grin widens. "There're many ways it can be done. I'm going for the one that's more…fun. For both of us." And with those words she pins me against the wall of the crypt and kisses me, hard and rough, while her hands tear at my clothes.

Christmas is my new favourite time of year.

* * *

 **End Notes** : So as some of you may know, I took part in NaNoWriMo back in November - at least, I tried to. After the first few days my muse decided, "That's enough now!" and shut down completely. I got _some_ work done; planning, basic ideas, etc. But actually writing on the page? Nada. It was really frustrating - though I'm thankful that I didn't officially sign up to the site, because that would've been a disaster - especially since I didn't even have the inspiration to write fanfiction, either. Luckily my muse is starting to come back, and writing this story helped. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things in continuing _Bringing Light into Darkness_ , and afterwards I'll focus on my other WIPs. Thanks for reading!


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